The Vidiot’s Glossary

VIDEO

• Pictures. Some pretty, some not -- It depends on how long the tape sat out of its case in the empty McDonald's French fry bag on the front seat of the Shooter's car. Without video television would be exactly like radio, except that on radio they sometimes stop talking during the music.

AUDIO

• Part of the television signal that no one cares about, but something has to accompany the video.

PRODUCER

• Someone who owns a digital stopwatch, but can't count backwards.

DIRECTOR

• Someone who can count backwards from 3, but can't afford a digital stopwatch.

ARTIST

• (1) What the director thinks he is.

  (2) Anyone who understands that Pixels are not tiny little flying things with names like Tinkerbell.

SCHMUCK

• What everyone else thinks the director is.

EDITOR

• (1) a piece of equipment with a lot of buttons which, when pushed, cause the device to stop working at the most inopportune times.

  (2) someone who can make the most amount of words match up with the least amount of video in the shortest possible amount of time. Usually looks 20 to 30 years older than he is.

ENGINEER

• (1) In television, not much is known about them other than they work Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, and are never around on weekends.

  (2) Someone who drives a train.

SHOOTER

• (1) The guy who sleeps in the store room.

  (2) A disgruntled US Postal Service employee. (Less than 1% of USPS workers are disgruntled. The rest are quite happily gruntled.)

CREW

• (1) Type of haircut favored by engineers.

  (2) The people who do the work for which the director and producer take all the credit.

FLOOR MANAGER

• A person who wears a headset while carrying a clipboard that holds the latest Racing Form. Adept at wildly waving hands to signal Talent that something is about to happen, but can't convey what it is.

GRIP

• During a handshake, a firm one lets the other person know you're confident.

GAFFER

• A person who purchases a lot of tape.

BEST BOY

• What the man who stood up at your wedding was when he was young.

ASSISTANT

• Anyone whose sole purpose is to tell the intern to run for more coffee.

INTERN

• Anyone who (a) operates the studio camera or (b) runs for coffee when the Assistant tells him to.

CONSULTANT

• Someone who used to work in the industry, but found (s)he could make a lot more money by designing sets and trying to change the Talent's on-air delivery.

CHYRON

• Bastard child of the Apple ][ computer, which puts letters and numbers on the screen. Used to confuse viewers with misspelled words, and to distract them from noticing all the dropout in the video.

SWITCHER

• (1) Another piece of equipment with a lot of numbered buttons which, when pushed on cue, cause the director to scream.

  (2) The pretty-boy male news anchor's sexual preference.

SCOPE

• (1) A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers.

  (2) What Talent can be seen gargling with prior to doing an interview.

NEWS

• (1) What viewers think they will receive after the next commercial.

  (2) Water-cooler gossip about the Switcher's escapades the previous evening.

ANCHOR

• (1) A very heavy metal thing designed to hold a boat in one place.

  (2) The device that should be tied with a short rope to the Talent before they are tossed overboard.

ENG CAMERA

• A device used as a pillow during the Shooter's naps in the store room. When preparing it for hand-held use, remember to first drink mass quantities of coffee, tea or Jolt Cola.

STUDIO CAMERA

• Device normally operated by interns. (Remember: The end with the handles should be toward you. The other end should be pointed at the set.)

TRANSMITTER

• (1) A rather large box with meters. Standing too close for up to one hour will cause your hair to fall out, leaving you with just enough for a crew cut. Standing too close for more than one hour will turn you into an engineer.

  (2) Someone who gives you a viral or bacterial gift.

STUDIO

• A too-small room with too many hot lights and too little air conditioning.

SET

• Something for which consultants get paid a lot of money to design (but not build). Sets must be changed every six months or so.

TAKES

• (1) What the station owner does with all the money to cover the massive debt load.

  (2) The exorbitant number of times it takes the director to get something right.

TALENT

• What everyone has except the people in front of the camera.

MICROPHONE

• What the talent always forgets to put on until the Floor Manager is counting backwards.

MIC (pronounced Mike)

• (1) Abbreviation for Microphone

  (2) What you NEVER call a director whose name is Michael.

TAPE

• (1) Black or brown stuff that resembles film, except you can't see through it. Works best when left on the dashboard of the Shooter's car on a hot day in August.

  (2) Stuff that holds the set together.

DROPOUT

• (1) What the director did when he was sixteen.

  (2) Schmotz in the picture that occurs when a tape saturated in McDonald's French fry grease is played back.

COMMERCIALS

• The main reason for the existence of television.

PROGRAMMING

• Material to fill the time between the commercials.

TRAFFIC

• (1) The department in a television station responsible for inserting "just one more" commercial per hour.

  (2) The Shooter's favorite excuse for not getting back to the station in time to air the feature.

"THE GOOD OLD DAYS"

• A block of time that ended about a week before you started in this business.

If you have a definition you'd like to see added to the list, send it in!

Credit for the Glossary goes to the people on the Vidpro list where it was originally posted.

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