The Vidiot’s Glossary
VIDEO
Pictures. Some pretty, some not -- It depends on how long the tape sat
out of its case in the empty McDonald's French fry bag on the front seat of the Shooter's
car. Without video television would be exactly like radio, except that on radio they
sometimes stop talking during the music.
AUDIO
Part of the television signal that no one cares about, but something has to
accompany the video.
PRODUCER
Someone who owns a digital stopwatch, but can't count backwards.
DIRECTOR
Someone who can count backwards from 3, but can't afford a digital
stopwatch.
ARTIST
(1) What the director thinks he is.
- (2) Anyone who understands that Pixels are not tiny little flying things with names
like Tinkerbell.
SCHMUCK
What everyone else thinks the director is.
EDITOR
(1) a piece of equipment with a lot of buttons which, when pushed, cause
the device to stop working at the most inopportune times.
- (2) someone who can make the most amount of words match up with the least
amount of video in the shortest possible amount of time. Usually looks 20 to 30 years
older than he is.
ENGINEER
(1) In television, not much is known about them other than they work
Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, and are never around on weekends.
- (2) Someone who drives a train.
SHOOTER
(1) The guy who sleeps in the store room.
- (2) A disgruntled US Postal Service employee. (Less than 1% of USPS workers are
disgruntled. The rest are quite happily gruntled.)
CREW
(1) Type of haircut favored by engineers.
- (2) The people who do the work for which the director and producer take all the
credit.
FLOOR MANAGER
A person who wears a headset while carrying a clipboard that holds the
latest Racing Form. Adept at wildly waving hands to signal Talent that something is about
to happen, but can't convey what it is.
GRIP
During a handshake, a firm one lets the other person know you're
confident.
GAFFER
A person who purchases a lot of tape.
BEST BOY
What the man who stood up at your wedding was when he was young.
ASSISTANT
Anyone whose sole purpose is to tell the intern to run for more coffee.
INTERN
Anyone who (a) operates the studio camera or (b) runs for coffee when
the Assistant tells him to.
CONSULTANT
Someone who used to work in the industry, but found (s)he could make
a lot more money by designing sets and trying to change the Talent's on-air delivery.
CHYRON
Bastard child of the Apple ][ computer, which puts letters and numbers
on the screen. Used to confuse viewers with misspelled words, and to distract them from
noticing all the dropout in the video.
SWITCHER
(1) Another piece of equipment with a lot of numbered buttons which,
when pushed on cue, cause the director to scream.
- (2) The pretty-boy male news anchor's sexual preference.
SCOPE
(1) A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers.
- (2) What Talent can be seen gargling with prior to doing an interview.
NEWS
(1) What viewers think they will receive after the next commercial.
- (2) Water-cooler gossip about the Switcher's escapades the previous evening.
ANCHOR
(1) A very heavy metal thing designed to hold a boat in one place.
- (2) The device that should be tied with a short rope to the Talent before they are
tossed overboard.
ENG CAMERA
A device used as a pillow during the Shooter's naps in the store room.
When preparing it for hand-held use, remember to first drink mass quantities of coffee, tea
or Jolt Cola.
STUDIO CAMERA
Device normally operated by interns. (Remember: The end with the
handles should be toward you. The other end should be pointed at the set.)
TRANSMITTER
(1) A rather large box with meters. Standing too close for up to one hour
will cause your hair to fall out, leaving you with just enough for a crew cut. Standing too
close for more than one hour will turn you into an engineer.
- (2) Someone who gives you a viral or bacterial gift.
STUDIO
A too-small room with too many hot lights and too little air conditioning.
SET
Something for which consultants get paid a lot of money to design (but
not build). Sets must be changed every six months or so.
TAKES
(1) What the station owner does with all the money to cover the massive
debt load.
- (2) The exorbitant number of times it takes the director to get something right.
TALENT
What everyone has except the people in front of the camera.
MICROPHONE
What the talent always forgets to put on until the Floor Manager is
counting backwards.
MIC (pronounced Mike)
(1) Abbreviation for Microphone
- (2) What you NEVER call a director whose name is Michael.
TAPE
(1) Black or brown stuff that resembles film, except you can't see
through it. Works best when left on the dashboard of the Shooter's car on a hot day in
August.
- (2) Stuff that holds the set together.
DROPOUT
(1) What the director did when he was sixteen.
- (2) Schmotz in the picture that occurs when a tape saturated in McDonald's French
fry grease is played back.
COMMERCIALS
The main reason for the existence of television.
PROGRAMMING
Material to fill the time between the commercials.
TRAFFIC
(1) The department in a television station responsible for inserting "just
one more" commercial per hour.
- (2) The Shooter's favorite excuse for not getting back to the station in time to air the
feature.
"THE GOOD OLD DAYS"
A block of time that ended about a week before you started in this
business.
If you have a definition you'd like to see added to the list, send it in!
Credit for the Glossary goes to the people on the Vidpro list where it was originally posted.