Jokes
Compiled and Submitted by David Slazyk
How did the silent partner get the attention of four aspiring
screenwriters?
"Waiter!"
Old editors never die. They simply fade to black.
How many Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"It's fine ... just shoot it!"
How many Art directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"Does it have to be a lightbulb?"
A very famous director dies and goes to heaven. Once there he meets St. Peter who tries to talk him into making a film. The director's skeptical but listens to the pitch. Michaelangelo will do
the art direction. Mozart will score. Shakespeare will do the screenplay. Duly impressed, the director agrees.
Then St. Peter adds, "By the way, God's got this girlfriend..."
Why didn't the snake bite the producer ?
Professional etiquette.
A Producer and the Pope die at the same time and show up at the pearly gates together. St Peter says to both of them, "Glad to see you. Come on in and see where your heavenly home is."
So they go inside and walk along the golden path to an area where there are glorious palaces on both sides of the street. St. Peter points to the most beautiful of them and says
to the Producer, "Here's your place. Have a nice eternity," and he and the Pope continue to walk along the road.
After a couple of miles the gold road turns to cement, and the palaces turn to 4 bedroom estates, and they keep walking. A mile more, and the road turns into black top, and the houses become bungalows. A mile more, and the road turns to dirt, and the houses to hovels.
St. Peter stops in front of the meanest, dirtiest hovel and says to the Pope, "Here's your heavenly home."
The Pope goes ballistic and says, "What do you mean? You gave that other guy a palace, and me you stick with a shack?"
St. Peter says, "Obviously you don't understand. We've got lots of Popes. That's the first Producer we've had."
How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hmmmm... I'm not sure... What do YOU think?
How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Are you sure you need a lightbulb?
How many directors of photography does it take to change a
lightbulb?
Lightbulb? Where?
How many lead actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just the one to hold the lightbulb whilst the world revolves around
him.
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Do I look like a freekin' electrician?"
- or -
"Fourteen. You gotta problem with that?"
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
One PA.
What did the teamster get on his I.Q. test?
Saliva
How can you tell when a teamster is dead?
The jelly doughnut falls out of his mouth.
What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters?
"Don't do anything 'till I come back."
How many sound mixers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why would they care?
How many 1st AD's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. No, just one more...... . No, just one
more...no...just one more...
Why was dolly and track invented?
To teach grips how to walk upright.
A Grip, a Producer and a Director were riding to the location in the grip truck and were in a horrible accident. They all died and went to heaven.
When they knocked on the Pearly Gates, St. Peter appeared and asked them who they were and what their occupations were. Then he said, "Listen fellas, I gotta proposition for you...what with all the people there are dying on earth right now, I'm seriously overloaded here. Tell you what - if each of you gives me ten dollars, I'll send you back, and you can live out your natural lives, and come back peacefully, when I'm not so busy."
As soon as the director heard this, he pulled a tenner out of his wallet and handed it to the saint. Shortly thereafter, he came to his senses in the wreckage of the truck, with a policeman there helping to pull him to safety. After getting him out of the wrecked truck and helping him to the side of the road, the policeman asked him what had happened, and the director told him all about the experience with St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.
The cop looked around quickly and said "but, what happened to the other two chaps that were in the truck with you?"
"I'm not sure," said the director, "When I left, the Producer had him negotiated down to $8.50 and the Grip was looking for a co-signer!"
How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, writers don't make changes.
A producer dies and goes up to the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him it's his lucky day. He gets to take a look at Heaven and Hell and then choose where he wants to spend eternity. Well the producer was kind of surprised by the offer, believing that he already knew the differences between the two, but he took up St. Peter on his offer.
The producer looked through the pearly gates and he say everything he expected, the golden paved streets, everyone kind of hanging out not a care to their exsistence. Time passed at just the right pace.
Then St. Peter told the producer it was time to look at Hell. Suddenly the producer found himself looking through the gates of hell and he was surprised. There before his eyes was a beautiful place. The devil himself offered the producer one of those frozen drinks with an umbrella. It was peaceful and much like heaven, time seemed to pass effortlessly. He noticed that everyone there had every wish granted without hesitation. Admittedly the producer was impressed.
Again, St. Peter appeared and wisked the producer back to the pearly gates. At this time he told the producer it was time to choose. The producer confessed that both were great but Hell was a lot better than he had ever anticipated. He even saw some old friends in Hell having a great time.
So he chose Hell. St. Peter said okay and suddenly the producer was back at the gates of Hell.
But this time the view was very different if was hotter than the producer thought possible and flames were everywhere. People were screaming and begging for relief.
The devil approached and the producer looked at him and said, "Wait a minute, I was just here and what I saw was nothing like this."
The devil looked him square in the eye and said, "Yeah, that was just our demo reel."
Early one morning A producer and his two cameramen find themselves walking along a secluded beach. Suddenly, one of the cameramen steps on a hard object in the sand. He reaches down and picks it up realizing at that moment that they have stumbled upon a Genie lamp. He rubs it and, to everyone's surprise, a real Genie appears.
The Genie asks the first cameraman to make a wish and he wishes for a million dollar house in the Cayman's with ten beautiful women surrounding him. Poof! he's on his way!
The second camera guy wishes for a 1.5 million
dolla, 65' foot sloop with 20 beautiful women surrounding him on deck. Poof!, gone as well.
Then the Producer steps up and the Genie asks him what his desire might be. At that moment the Producer, without hesitation, bursts: "Get both those two camera guys back here right now!...we have a 9:30 call!!!"
A director, his director of photography, and a producer were stranded on a desert island.
One day a brass lamp washed up to shore and they all rubbed it.
Out popped a genie who announced he would grant them each one wish. The director of photography wished to return to his home so he could be with his family. Poof! He vanished.
The producer wished he could have a job with a corner office with a great view. Poof! He vanished.
The director said, "I wish the producer and director of photography were back here with me, I'm not used to making a decision without them.
Caller : "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller : "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller : "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.